Sister

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I see the curtains go down, the glaze in her eyes, empty she is now my other sister.

She becomes the bull and I, I am the red cape dangled in front of her nose.

 She knows she can hit me, bite me, scratch me, shout at me.  She throws punches, she throws words.  She knows that this will not make me run.  I will stand, I will take it.

 Sometimes I crack, when the punch is too hard or the scratch breaks my skin and I see red.

 I hit her, I bite her, I scratch her, I shout at her.  I throw punches, I throw words.  I know that this will not make her run.  She will stand, She will take it.

 We break each others skin,
our skin.
Her blood is my blood,
we came from the same.
She knows that I am her other.
The only one who will love her for her hate,
we came from the same.

 Days will pass and no words are spoken between us,
and if the silence is broken
only words of hate will reach our ears,
for we know those words of hate are words of love,
those words of hate are anger and fear,
emotions we can only project to one another,
for we both know those words are disguised
we could not speak them if we did not love,
know,
that after they where spoken,
days after they where spoken we would still love,

love each other.

I had a talk with my sister today, and i felt the impulse to write.  So i opened a word document and this came out.  I don’t know what you’d call it, a piece or writing, poem, or whatever.  All i know is its something I’m proud of, and explains an aspect of my sister and I’s relationship to a tee.

I don’t want to go…

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Home.

I’ve only got 3 weeks left here in Canada, and surprisingly it’s really making me sad.  The thought of going home isn’t filling me with excitement, which i was expecting, but instead I have a heavy feeling in my stomach.  
I know in a few posts back I was slagging Canada off, but i was struggling and I knew It would only be a phase.
I’ve finished uni now, so I’m happy that I will get to enjoy Canada without any distractions (apart from my really painful wrist, but we won’t get into that).
Hopefully going home won’t be as bad as I’m thinking it is, but for some reason I feel it will be.

Canada why can’t I live here forever?

NYC

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I’ve already ticked quite a few things off my ‘bucket list’ this year, and one of the most poignant was visiting New York City.

It was a short but yet ever so sweet trip to the city that never sleeps but my friend and I managed to pack in as much sight seeing as humanly possible.

Our hotel was 2 blocks away from Times Square so we were in a tourists ‘sweet spot’.  Seeing as we were so close the first thing we did was go and see what all the fuss was about, and lets just say the fuss is made for a reason.  We experienced it first at night which I recommend for everyone and the next day we visited during daylight hours and although still impressive it did not hold the same magic and feeling the lights completely surround you in the dark.  Times Square id exciting, it’s filled with people, tourists, officials and the people of New York who make a living off the tourists.

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The shops and restaurants that surround Times Square are also a marvel to behold, with an impressive Toys’R’Us which we managed to lose a few hours in.  Its also worth a trip to the Hard Rock Cafe, we went for an early lunch to avoid the ridiculously long queues in the afternoons evenings (you could be waiting for a table for hours).

I also visited Central Park, shopped down Fifth Avenue and Macy’s, Lunched in Trump Tower, Cultured ourselves at the MoMa, were fantastically entertained at the broadway musical ‘Wicked” and visited the unbelievably impressive 9/11 Memorial.

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I also went up the Empire State Building.  I have to say the buildings exterior doesn’t match up to my imagination but I could still appreciate how beautiful it would have been when it was first built.  We decided to venture up the the top at around 11pm (it’s open until 2am).  It had to be one of the best decisions we made.  The queues were non-existent at this time and the views at night are spectacular.  The cities lights can be seen for miles and it looks like a moving picture.  After such an amazing trip something had to go wrong and it wasn’t until I was up at the very top that i realised I had left my cameras memory card in my laptop back at the hotel room.  Queue heart sinking feeling.  But I tried not to let that dampen my experience and let The view of NYC soak in without my ritualistic need to take photos of everything.  It just means I’m going to have to go back one day so I can get the pictures I didn’t get this time round.

After the fully loaded 2 days we were quite exhausted, just writing about it all is making my feet hurt again.  The fleeting trip had definitely wetted my appetite to visit again, and again.

Until next time New York.

Update…

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Oh, Canada.

I think I have arrived at a stalemate with Canada.

I love it here, I love the place and how different it is to home, the people are nice and I don’t have many real complaints.  Apart from the fact Canada doesn’t stock spray on deodorants!  It just comes down to the fact theres no place like home.  I’m surprised I have managed to last this long without a taint of wanting to go home.  Knowing me however I’m just panicking about how I only have 3 weeks of my 3rd year in university left.  Finals are coming up and I’m struggling with project ideas…but I’ll just have a freak out today and get back to work tomorrow.

You got this Keely! 

THATS WRONG…

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START AGAIN!

Those are the words i’m scared of hearing.  

It’s ridiculous, but over the past few weeks i’ve realised within myself that I would rather do no work at all, than some work and have it be wrong.  In reality, i’ve thoroughly thought through 5 ideas, having done sheets of work on research and development, but the moment I feel like it won’t work the pages are ripped from my sketchbook to never be seen again!   

In nearly all feedback I have received in my 3 years at university I am told, “don’t be afraid to get things wrong sometimes, you’ll learn from them”.  Whilst my exterior nods politely agreeing to this statement, my inner self screams “what the hell, i’m not going to show my failings, my mistakes”.  That’s it, I don’t want to show my failures because I associate failing with weakness.  I could write a whole novel on why that is but this isn’t the point.

Throughout the years we all attend primary and secondary education, failing is not an option.  We are graded on how well we pass and on how bad we fail.  If I had a penny for every time I’ve uttered the words “as long as i don’t fail, it’ll be alright” I would currently be sitting on a lot of pennies.  I remember as a 6 year old in school, I received a “red mark” against my name for climbing up a muddy hill when we were told not to.  I was mortified, I did everything in my power to stop my parents finding out about this “red mark”.  Even then I was afraid of people feeling disappointed in me.

I think what i’m trying to say is, Keely, DO IT!  Get shit wrong, and who cares that its wrong!  The “wrongness” will probably end up taking you a lot faster to what you are trying to achieve than shutting down and starting all over again!

Year 3.1 update

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I have finally received all my marks back from the first semester of my 3rd year.  As I’m not in Scotland this semester I got them through e-mail, which was actually quite nice as it means I have something to look back on instead of forgetting all that was said 5 minutes after i walk out the tutors door!

In my Folio for Photographic and Electronic Media I received a C, which to be perfectly honest I was expecting worse.  For some reason I seem to have drifted off the course and forgot why I loved it, Canada is definitely bringing me back into loving it all again.  So when I’m back home in my last year I know this will improve.

My essay however, was the biggest shock.  Now to be completely honest, I did in no way spend as much time on it as I should and would have liked.  I kept finding excuses as to why I should “just start it tomorrow”.  That “tomorrow” ended up being the last few days before hand-in.  Which by no means am I proud of saying, but to my astonishment I managed to churn out a pretty good essay, for which I received an A.  When I was reading through the comments box he asked if I did any writing apart from essays, which I guess I do.  I have this blog, I always end up writing poems and stories in notebooks.  I’ve never in my life been praised for my writing.  It was always my weakness throughout Primary and Secondary Education, so it was nice to see I can write something interesting.

That’s all I have to say today.